For those of you who’ve read Memories of Me, you’ll recognize a recurring theme: unhealthy relationships. These relationships shaped a huge part of my journey, and they weren’t limited to just romantic partners. Some involved people I dated; one a deeper chapter of my life—my marriage.
But what does an unhealthy relationship look like? And more importantly, what lessons can we take from them?
What Defines an Unhealthy Relationship?
Unhealthy relationships can come in many forms. For me, these relationships involved verbal and physical abuse, betrayal, neglect, and emotional isolation. They are marked by a lack of mutual respect, communication, and boundaries. An unhealthy relationship is one where your needs, emotions, and well-being are either dismissed or manipulated to serve someone else’s agenda.
Who's Responsible for Unhealthy Relationships?
A question I often asked myself was, "Whose fault is this?" And I know I’m not alone in that internal debate. The reality is that while relationships are shared, you are not responsible for someone else’s toxic behavior. You are, however, responsible for your own happiness and for setting and maintaining boundaries; as well as the decisions you make when you’re seeing the red flags.
Unhealthy relationships also existed within myself—ignoring my own needs, staying silent, and constantly prioritizing others' happiness while neglecting how I truly felt about situations because I was trying to fulfill parts of myself that needed more healing. After my daughter was born, I finally started speaking up, and it shocked people. "Andrea's never done that before," they’d say, which made me realize how complacent and quiet I had become. It was eye-opening, highlighting that my silence had not only damaged my relationships but also hurt my own sense of self. This was a crucial lesson I needed to learn.
What I Learned I Am Responsible For:
My Own Happiness: This was one of my biggest lessons. You cannot rely on another person to make you happy or fulfill the parts of yourself that need healing. Your happiness comes from within.
Setting Boundaries: Healthy relationships have boundaries. Whether it’s how you’re spoken to, treated, or what you’re willing to tolerate, boundaries are crucial in protecting your peace and mental well-being.
Communication: Being able to communicate your needs, concerns, and feelings is vital. While you can’t control how someone responds, it’s your responsibility to be clear about what you need in a relationship.
What You’re Not Responsible For:
While it’s important to take responsibility for your own actions, there are things you are not responsible for in any relationship: Verbal or Physical Abuse: No one deserves to be verbally attacked, belittled, or physically harmed, ever. Being Lied To: If your partner is dishonest, that’s on them. Infidelity: You are not responsible for someone else’s decision to cheat. Manipulation: Emotional manipulation is a red flag, and you are not required to tolerate it.
My Personal Experiences with Unhealthy Relationships
There were two key relationships in my life where I faced incredibly difficult situations. The first was in my twenties. I was young, and although that relationship involved primarily verbal abuse, I was only responsible for myself back then. That experience was painful but taught me a lot about what I didn’t want in future relationships.
The second relationship was much harder to navigate because I was a single mom. I got involved with someone I thought I could trust—someone who had been a friend. But despite the friendship, the relationship quickly escalated into verbal abuse and ultimately ending in an incident where I was hit multiple times in a hotel room.
The warning signs were there: the late-night belligerent phone calls, the aggressive text messages. Because we didn’t live in the same city, it was easier to shield my daughter from this, but when the abuse became physical, I knew it had to end. No matter how much that person was hurting, it was not my responsibility to fix them. My priority was, and always will be, protecting my daughter and myself.
Marriage: The Silent Struggle
My marriage was another story, not defined by dramatic outbursts but by a quiet erosion of my self-worth. My needs were constantly ignored. I continued to give to the family I was trying to create, as well as my ex’s family, yet my own well-being was always pushed aside. The loneliness I felt as a married woman was profound. Eventually there were days I would look for a quiet space to release a few tears, and threw myself into being a mother, and my career when I returned to work. It was then that I learned about his cheating. It was also then when I started writing again. And or a year after, I continued to show up in my marriage and for my ex’s family as of nothing was wrong.
No matter how much love and energy I poured into my marriage, and pushing down my hurt, my ex remained too self-involved to really see me. Someday it was like I was watching myself go through the motions while my feelings just faded away. Eventually, I asked myself some hard questions: Is this the life I want? Will I ever truly forgive him? Do the patterns speak to this is not the last time? Do I want my daughter to grow up thinking this is what a relationship is supposed to look like?
The Biggest Lessons
Ultimately, my biggest lesson is this: There’s a difference between meeting in the middle and losing yourself. In any relationship, compromise is essential, but when you start giving up parts of who you are, that’s when you know it’s unhealthy.
For so long, I was chasing the idea of the perfect nuclear family. But now, my version of a perfect family is the time I spend with my daughter—just us. The other 40% of the time, I’m focused on rebuilding myself and figuring out what my life will look like, without the weight of unhealthy relationships holding me down.
Final Thoughts
Unhealthy relationships are never easy to talk about, and they are even harder to live through. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you don’t have to stay stuck. You are allowed to walk away. You are allowed to choose yourself.
So if you’re reading this and feel like you’re losing yourself in a relationship, I hope this gives you a little nudge to reflect on what you truly want—and more importantly, what you deserve.
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