I used to run from my shadows; lock them away in little jars on clean shelves in my subconscious so they could gather dust and be forgotten and ignored. Shadows are the parts of ourselves we are uncomfortable with; we consider them to be undesirable, unlovable, and shameful. What I’ve come to realize is that my shadows are little lessons that have attached themselves to my memories, and experiences; little shadows that may run ahead of my steps in life and call my lessons into action.
At what point do you stop suppressing your shadows? What series of events need to occur before you shine the light on your shadows and accept them for what they are: little pieces of you that you’ve had to grow with or grow through?
Photo Credit UnSplash Bryan Goff
My shadow number one is fear. But not just fear itself — fear of what fear causes me to do. Fear is not something to be ashamed of; fear reveals what matters to us, it helps us to understand our boundaries or where we need to learn. Fear can be a motivator. For me, fear becomes shameful when I let it drive my actions — by covering something up, like the truth or my truth, or when I let it change my course from something that I truly align with. Fear kills progress, motivation, and the opportunity to change if we let it. It is then that fear, which is not a negative thing, becomes tangled with shame, guilt, and resentment. Then the simple message of that fear gets lost in its manifestation in your life. If we are lucky, only impacting ourselves, but other times impacts many more around us.
Anger, also, is not a negative thing. But anger is all consuming and controlling. When anger seeps in we surrender to its destruction, acting out in ways that may not be aligned who we are. Beneath that anger, is a message — a message that a boundary has been crossed. It tells us that we need to step in and protect something important to us: a feeling, a memory, an experience, a value, or belief. Anger is an irrational way of calling attention to where we need to advocate for ourselves.
Perhaps though we could harness the energy of that anger and seek to understand what it is telling us. With any strong emotion that drives a behavior there is a reason for it, though often not the most obvious one. With our shadows we need to seek deeper understanding. We need to sit with them, know them, accept and even love them; then the message becomes clear.
Self-doubt is my favorite shadow. It is the shadow I am the most intimate with. It is the shadow that understands me the most when I don’t understand myself. Self-doubt stops me; it paralyzes me. Self-doubt cascades and has a domino effect on all my thoughts of worthiness and confidence. Perhaps if I accept the message that self-doubt tries to give me, I’d realize that the paralysis I feel is not to hinder me. Self-doubt is a tool. It shines the light on where I need to push through to grow, transform, and evolve! Self-doubt is a map for metamorphosis. It’s my lighthouse identifying the jagged rocks and limiting beliefs that shut down my curiosity. If these are not identified, then these limits will continue to impact and control the choices I make far into the future. Self-doubt is my challenge to become stronger, to become more compassionate with myself and others. It’s not meant to make me complacent but in fact to make me bold in my steps forward.
I can stand on floor and look up at the rows upon rows of my shadows: vulnerability, sadness, grief, resentment, blame, guilt. Little mistakes, like fireflies, twinkle at me, reminding me of where I chose wrong. However, I choose not to dwell there. I may be confronted by one of these shadows at any time, unexpectedly. However, I will accept it and embrace it. I will sit with my shadow and understand it intimately. And then I will open the jar, let it out, and move with it.
It’s in my shadows and imperfections I gain understanding of who I am. I understand I’m vulnerable to shiny new things, and easier roads. I’m susceptible to simple hits of dopamine and quick satisfaction. I am guilty of envy and loneliness and have hidden my flaws behind concealer. I know that I am imperfect, yet I have the wisdom to recognize my complexity and my tendency to prioritize my desires. At the same time, I am cultivating a deeper self-awareness and compassion for all I have yet to learn. This is what makes me human. I no longer try to erase my mistakes or painful memories. I am thankful for my journey and the opportunities the universe offers each day — to remain a child in life to learn and grow.
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