First work on yourself; first heal yourself; wait 10 months before you start dating; wait until you lose ten pounds; wait until you take the course; wait until someone shows interest in you; wait until you have a plan; wait until you have ten thousand dollars in your savings account.
The uncharted, undreamt, unexpected blank pages of my future stretch
before me, taunting me with their unlimited possibilities.
For the number of times I’ve either said or heard: “I will wait until,” “you should wait,” or “I will do this when”—it’s a wonder we, as a collective, achieve any goals at all. I love waiting until the right moment because I am a perfectionist, a lover of processes and checklists, and taker of all formalized education. I would stay in school for as long as humanly possible until I have learned everything I need to know about a particular topic before I set off to actually do. Well, I used to be. Somewhere along the way, I’ve become a lot more comfortable with, “I’m going to try this now and I will do it better later."
That is the simple lesson of success. I’ve heard from many sources the quote that success is in the journey, not the destination. It’s a quote I have tried to remember when I think, oh shit I haven’t healed that yet; or when someone tells me “You should wait”.
Where am I going with all this? When I hear the word "journey," I hear two meanings. One is my personal journey: my development, my growth, my healing, and understanding of what my purpose is with the time I am given. The second journey is my journey as a contributing member of this world: the black and white, the logistics, security, relationship, my job, saving for a down payment, finalizing the divorce, the promotion, and starting a business. Though, these journeys are the same—my journey.
I no longer have the desire to leave one unattended while I figure the other out. Each step I take in my personal development and intuitive understanding of who I am is the right step alongside my career goals, relationships, creative passions, and all the things I spend my 24 hours a day doing. Side note: terrible sleeper, both a gift and a curse. Each step I take in my dire love life (still hopeless romantic), passion project, career path, and motherhood, is a step in the overall life I am trying to build—a life that balances family, chasing passions, and sources of income—note the plural "s" on income.
My essence has been transformed. Who am I now? Where is my place?
What does a future resemble when the road has no direction?
There is no such thing as waiting until you're ready, waiting until you're healed, or waiting until you know enough—because you’ll never start, and you’ll never get there. To wait too long means to have missed. Missed that love, missed the trip, missed the side-hustle, missed the opportunity to start and learn from all the mistakes along the way. And the universe as my witness—I have made any and all of the mistakes; usually repeatedly. My new mantra is this: if I’m afraid, then I should probably move my derrière, because the confidence I have today were yesterday’s fears.
Where are the signs delivered to me by the lighthouse to sway my
course from danger, known as my intuition. The unknown beckons me.
Personal Anecdote
Let me briefly share a personal experience where I pursued a goal while still navigating challenges and uncertainties in my life. What was my turning point? About every day from April 2021 until the present day-- this moment. It has been a painfully slow unveiling of turning points where, every time I tried to skip a life lesson and wait until I was ready, I paid for it with another lesson.
If you're reading this—hopefully still reading—I am still growing in all my journeys simultaneously. So, to recap from April 2021: discovered husband cheating day one of a Mexico vacation while our baby daughter was home with both my mother and mother-in-law. If you ever want to test fate, leave all the moms unattended for a week and let me know how that went…That in itself is a lesson. Your fears are valid, but let them figure it out, and you just go life Love.
To quicken this up in the months and years proceeding that revelation, I experienced two miscarriages, left the marriage, lost home and belongings in a drama feud, and started over with my almost 3-year-old in a two-bedroom apartment. Fast forward—survived a toxic, abusive relationship, and here we are. I wrote a book of all my shadows and started a health coaching business that I SAT on for 3 years while life literally weighed me down. All because I was waiting for the right moment: right moment to be happy, right moment to leave, right moment to start something new; the right moment to DO something.
The unknown beckons me, the unknown has a lesson. It is time. Time to
embrace the uncertainty with faith, time to anticipate a call to action
with serenity and gratitude, and grace as my guide.
Every day, I could think about why my husband cheated, why I lost two babies, and how I found the strength to leave all that behind—just to walk blindly into a toxic relationship. Finally, at 36 years old, I’m starting over for the hundredth time—buying kitchen utensils and a houseplant to water with my little girl in our new home. But here is what I don’t get lost in: why! Why my husband cheated, why I lost two babies, why I ended up where I did, why did I wait so long. I know I’m learning. I know I will get there because I’ve been there. I know I can handle the dark and love the light at the same damn time.
Cue Survivor by Destiny’s Child—or rather, Meredith Brooks. Listening to her lyrics now as an adult means more to me. The underlying message is this: live all your lessons and journeys at the same time. Live and heal and continue to act on all your lessons while still doing life. Be the bitch; heal from heartache and be the lover; forgive yourself; be the mess and show up every day; be the saint and the sinner and have fun with both. Be the side-business owner and be the 8-5 corporate employee; be the writer and the runner—all while you figure out your life. Wear your mistakes like a badge as you move on to the next experience. Be the unfinished and the unstoppable, I promise you won’t be sorry.
Guide me to my road of unwritten pages.
-The Unknown by Andrea Pomeroy
Photo Credit: Urban Vintage
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